Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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Lmbo
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I am a gravy boat captain
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
How about daylight saves us for once
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.