Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that