just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
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I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
this has done me in for some reason
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.