Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

How to walk around a museum

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”