Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
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My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?