Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.