Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

don’t we all