just ordered a drink at a hotel bar and the guy said “sure do you want that now or later”. brand new interaction never come across this one before
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At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
this site is so cooked lol
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”