just ordered a drink at a hotel bar and the guy said “sure do you want that now or later”. brand new interaction never come across this one before
You Might Also Like
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe