Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
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Thank you 🥹
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
iPhone X
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Seems kinda suspicious
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival