Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
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*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
when you are just born a rebel
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.