Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
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Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
rebranding
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.