Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
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*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”