Just ordered me some pizza!
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Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.