Just ordered me some pizza!
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Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently