Just ordered me some pizza!
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(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”