Just organising my finances.
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I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.