Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FxGHD0qX0AQ2iG_.mp4

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Never go to sleep after making me angry

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.