Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

“We will wed,” I threatened

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door