Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

Alarms are for people without children or puppies