just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
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Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Doctors texting each other.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Can Happiness buy money?
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER