Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

repaired

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

Just say no

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.