Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

getting seasonal up in here

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

i’m still crying at this

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.