Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
figuring out my emotional availability:
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.