“So, I heard you work at the circus.”
[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.
“You sure about that?”
[chewing on glass] Yup
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*pulls pants up
*forgets to poop
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
1)Buy a plastic phone 2)Walk next to a stranger 3)Whisper into phone “It’s done. He’s dead.” 4)Remove batteries & throw phone in a trash can
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.