@ShawnIzadi

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

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@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

@FunnyBison

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

@Gupton68

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

@thetits

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

@jazmasta

*i get on a rollercoaster with my washing machine*
“Hold tight son…WAIT! If u are here then..”
*son is at home w/ a mouth full of laundry*

@HenpeckedHal

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

@McGrumpenstein

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

@RandiLawson

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

@longwall26

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

@KeetPotato

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]