WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
*i get on a rollercoaster with my washing machine*
“Hold tight son…WAIT! If u are here then..”
*son is at home w/ a mouth full of laundry*
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]