@ShawnIzadi

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”

[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.

“You sure about that?”

[chewing on glass] Yup

@dafloydsta

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

@Dawn_M_

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

@IGotsSmarts

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

@KKAlThani

1)Buy a plastic phone 2)Walk next to a stranger 3)Whisper into phone “It’s done. He’s dead.” 4)Remove batteries & throw phone in a trash can

@Kimpulses

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

@jordan_stratton

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

@BrierBrisk

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

@oxygenplug

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

@tsm560

Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.