just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
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If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
meow
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.