just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
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UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
when dads have a rap battle
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away