Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
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okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
This kid will have a bright future.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Oh yeah that’s it
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.