Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
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ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts