Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
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Brb my Sims are getting married
jesus christ confetti not now
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
They did not miss in the small print
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!