Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
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I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!