Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
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I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
If you’re thinking of having kids, please know that my 8 year old is currently sobbing because my 5 year old won’t let him talk to his pet balloon.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.