Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

You tell ppl you not tryna drink and they act like you just turned down 100k

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball