Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.