Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
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this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?