Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

Crying is a sign of leakness.

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.