Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

im all 3

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

I’d use my best pan on you.

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.