Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
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*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”