Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
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*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
