Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Um … Hot Wings please

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.