Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

I had to Stop for this

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.