just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
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[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol