Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

what the

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.