I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
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McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.