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Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*


My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !


6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*


No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.


Me: *holding a puppy in each arm*

Genie: Ok, keep in mind this next wish is your last-

Me: *interrupting* I wish for a third arm to hold another puppy


15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?


I like to slip a Honey Boo Boo episode in every once in awhile to remind my husband that it could be worse.


I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.


Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.