Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
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My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Me: *holding a puppy in each arm*
Genie: Ok, keep in mind this next wish is your last-
Me: *interrupting* I wish for a third arm to hold another puppy
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I like to slip a Honey Boo Boo episode in every once in awhile to remind my husband that it could be worse.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.