I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
You Might Also Like
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?