You Might Also Like

@ParasiteHilton

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

@oigoabuya

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

@BrassBallsCJ

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

@junejuly12

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *holding a puppy in each arm*

Genie: Ok, keep in mind this next wish is your last-

Me: *interrupting* I wish for a third arm to hold another puppy

@mjs03093641

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

@mstluvstrinkets

I like to slip a Honey Boo Boo episode in every once in awhile to remind my husband that it could be worse.

@ServiceTech_

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

@JohnLyonTweets

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.