Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job