Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

rise and shine we got egg

reviewed some movies recently

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt