Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
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The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
🤔😂😂
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.