Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

*praying for world peace*
God:

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.