just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
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God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker