Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.