Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.