Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

[shakes fist at other fist]

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922