@chrisdelia

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

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@JermHimselfish

Dance like nobody’s watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn’t text you too much. Sing like you didn’t struggle with algebra in 9th grade.

@TheBeerGuy73

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

@Mekellie

As I see it, the act of lovemaking should be sacred, caring, and worth the 200 bucks I charge for it.

@MrsGoose69

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

@joeyhuggles

My favorite response to someone asking how something works… “Magic” even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy

@thatUPSdude

Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.

@catlikethiefx0

The 1st rule of Female Fight Club is: You didn’t hear this from me! Seriously do NOT tell anyone I told you, I promised I wouldn’t tell.

@TheMichaelRock

7yo: I HAVE A LOOSE TOOTH!

Me: The Tooth Fairy doesn’t want you messing with it until payd…Friday.