I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
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The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
7: what do you want for your birthday?
Me: idk a new car
7: ok *walks away*
[ 2 min later ]
7: what do you want that’s under $6.42?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
5yo: I dreamt I ate your brownie.
Me: Wait, what happened to my brownie??
5: Dreams come true.