Dance like nobody’s watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn’t text you too much. Sing like you didn’t struggle with algebra in 9th grade.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
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*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
As I see it, the act of lovemaking should be sacred, caring, and worth the 200 bucks I charge for it.
When you know your about to be spammed on #tinder
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
My favorite response to someone asking how something works… “Magic” even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy
Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.
The 1st rule of Female Fight Club is: You didn’t hear this from me! Seriously do NOT tell anyone I told you, I promised I wouldn’t tell.
7yo: I HAVE A LOOSE TOOTH!
Me: The Tooth Fairy doesn’t want you messing with it until payd…Friday.