Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

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I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.


The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.


[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*



Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?


Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.


7: what do you want for your birthday?

Me: idk a new car

7: ok *walks away*

[ 2 min later ]

7: what do you want that’s under $6.42?


I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.


[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”



You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.


5yo: I dreamt I ate your brownie.

Me: Wait, what happened to my brownie??

5: Dreams come true.