The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?