Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
