Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
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My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries