Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
