Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
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“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My favorite farside!!
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”