Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

is this meant to deter me

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

best first i’ve ever seen

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons