Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

excuse me

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs