Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
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they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
scares
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.