Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

Me My dog

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*