@Tmoney68

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

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@PaulyPeligroso

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

@leapeajo

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

@killazilla

HR- do you know why we called you down here today?
Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride?
HR…
Me- a house landed on your sister

@ThatMummyLife

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

@pilau

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

@LaziestCanine

[1st date]
Maybe next time i could meet your dog

[2nd date]
Your dog is so cool

[3rd date]
Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you

@SomthinBoutSara

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

@punmagnate

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

@theevilwriter

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.