People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
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If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
HR- do you know why we called you down here today?
Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride?
Me- a house landed on your sister
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Maybe next time i could meet your dog
Your dog is so cool
Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.