Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
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me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?