just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
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if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!