Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
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Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Smells like a challenge to me
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
