Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
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Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
*bites zombie*
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.