Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.