Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
You Might Also Like
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*