Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
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haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”