Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!

*sniff* Don’t try to console me

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.