Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
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I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come