Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
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Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.