Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
i prefer mine room temperature.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs