Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
You Might Also Like
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I think this might be relevant today.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
there’s music for literally every activity
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
scares
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty