Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
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[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Goodnight 🐶
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon