Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
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Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
i feel so bad i refunded him
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.